On Line dating: DECODED

In my many weeks within this world I have come to decipher the codes and secret messages locked within the language utilized by the female community who populate the world of On-Line dating. It seems Everything is a conspiracy these days and this forum of lies and boundless attempts to look 15 years younger through tricky photo lighting and fake dates of birth is no exception. Before you is a sample of the findings I've made in my many rendezvous within this forum of flirty madness. I am pretty sure these are probably original findings for the most part, original and useful to those willing to throw their asses in this ring of hell so caked with filth it would've surely taken up at least 350 pages in Dante's next book: "Inferno 2", if he were alive to write it. I'm not Dante, so you get one page. Take these notes with you on your journey if you are brave/idiotic enough to venture into these waters. 1: If you're reading an "About Me" and it sounds like a Horoscope of circular logic and concludes with the agreement/enjoyment of any situation and the opposite of that situation this girl is Boring & Crazy! She is clearly looking for someone to help figure out what she's supposed to be like due to her lack of a need for a personality because she was always "cute" and never needed a personality until now. She wants to steal your personality and pretend it's hers on the next dumb motherfucker she meets. 2: "Sweep me off my Feet" = You won't believe how much debt I'm in, can you pay it? 3: Add 8 years to the age they pretend to be. If this turns out to be false it's a welcome surprise... It won't! 4: If you see the words "boating" or "I like boating" or "I like boats". This woman is no dummy, She's a seasoned gold digging lady and truly understands how idiotic the investment in a boat truly is! This is her checking to see if you are: A. rich and B. stupid! If you feel like she's a gold digging bitch after learning of this, just remember: these are the women who get thrown off of cruise ships. It's a sort of hilarious justice. 5: If she lists "Shopping" as one of her favorite activities refer to the last half of #4. 6: Why does she have 7 kids? Because she's looking for you to pay for the 8th kid. That'll be you paying her the rest of your life because she poked holes in condoms and you're an idiot! 7: How do you have 7 kids and you're 24???? 8: "Tired of the bar scene" = I used to be a hoe!!!!!! 9: If she says "Help me pick out Lingerie" in her list of first date ideas, You'll be buying shit for her to wear for her real boyfriend. 10: 99% of the women on on-line dating sites are only doing it to make their Current Boyfriends jealous! My advice: ignore Satan's maze known as Online Dating and pick up girls the old fashion way. Pretend you're in a band nobody ever heard of except you, then on like date seven pretend you were kicked out and forming your own band and she can be in it. It's easy! Goodnight

An email from my mommy

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being..

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze..

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me..

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets..'

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get. We make a Life by what we give.

Tuesday!

Hey there, just checkin in.

Over the weekend, it was the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death, had to put my 24 year old dog down, and I found out my grandpa in Arizona had passed away. Been a rough couple days, but I'm hangin in there!

Ever since I got the new iPhone I have been playing angry birds too much, downloading way too many apps and music, and have been addicted to Instagram.

Here are some pictures I've played around with.. Oh, and if you're on Instagram be a gem and follow me :) @ashlea420

Hope you all are having a good week!

<3