On Line dating: DECODED

In my many weeks within this world I have come to decipher the codes and secret messages locked within the language utilized by the female community who populate the world of On-Line dating. It seems Everything is a conspiracy these days and this forum of lies and boundless attempts to look 15 years younger through tricky photo lighting and fake dates of birth is no exception. Before you is a sample of the findings I've made in my many rendezvous within this forum of flirty madness. I am pretty sure these are probably original findings for the most part, original and useful to those willing to throw their asses in this ring of hell so caked with filth it would've surely taken up at least 350 pages in Dante's next book: "Inferno 2", if he were alive to write it. I'm not Dante, so you get one page. Take these notes with you on your journey if you are brave/idiotic enough to venture into these waters. 1: If you're reading an "About Me" and it sounds like a Horoscope of circular logic and concludes with the agreement/enjoyment of any situation and the opposite of that situation this girl is Boring & Crazy! She is clearly looking for someone to help figure out what she's supposed to be like due to her lack of a need for a personality because she was always "cute" and never needed a personality until now. She wants to steal your personality and pretend it's hers on the next dumb motherfucker she meets. 2: "Sweep me off my Feet" = You won't believe how much debt I'm in, can you pay it? 3: Add 8 years to the age they pretend to be. If this turns out to be false it's a welcome surprise... It won't! 4: If you see the words "boating" or "I like boating" or "I like boats". This woman is no dummy, She's a seasoned gold digging lady and truly understands how idiotic the investment in a boat truly is! This is her checking to see if you are: A. rich and B. stupid! If you feel like she's a gold digging bitch after learning of this, just remember: these are the women who get thrown off of cruise ships. It's a sort of hilarious justice. 5: If she lists "Shopping" as one of her favorite activities refer to the last half of #4. 6: Why does she have 7 kids? Because she's looking for you to pay for the 8th kid. That'll be you paying her the rest of your life because she poked holes in condoms and you're an idiot! 7: How do you have 7 kids and you're 24???? 8: "Tired of the bar scene" = I used to be a hoe!!!!!! 9: If she says "Help me pick out Lingerie" in her list of first date ideas, You'll be buying shit for her to wear for her real boyfriend. 10: 99% of the women on on-line dating sites are only doing it to make their Current Boyfriends jealous! My advice: ignore Satan's maze known as Online Dating and pick up girls the old fashion way. Pretend you're in a band nobody ever heard of except you, then on like date seven pretend you were kicked out and forming your own band and she can be in it. It's easy! Goodnight

I am Baseball! I am Metal! I am What I am, Most motherfuckers Don't give a Damn!!

My Tab Button is sticking... Anyway, Did I mention I'm from adjacent to Cleveland? Probably, right? So, that said, the Indians are heating up and that's huge because, Baseball is Awesome and if you don't think so, you've never hung out with me and you're not America! Anyway, The Tribe's pitching is great but our hitting is fucking embarrassing! We have 4 Pitchers with well over 100 Strikeouts (Which has Never happened before in Baseball history) but we need like 3 bats because We have 3 Bums who are absolutely burgling the Indians payroll. Bourn, Avilis, and Santana are an opposing pitchers wet dream and Moss is on approaching my chopping block as well... They absolutely Suck and What's hilarious, I think tonight was Santana Bobble-head night... I'd rather have a bobble-head of the rancid prostitutes outside the ballpark... He's batting like 219. All these bums do is ground out or ground into double plays. They need to just be cut or injured by the fist of one of these work-horse pitchers we have. We are starting to roll here and at the best time possible, just hope we make some roster moves after the All Star Break. ================================================================================================================================================== What else... Um... Holy Fuck, The immortal Motorhead and the ageless Anthrax are gonna do some shows this fall together and I'm going to the one in Pittsburgh! Look for me, I'll be the one in black! Two of my All time favorite bands, two Icon's of Metal and if you even try to dispute that you're a Fool! Goddamn I'm gonna be def for a week!! ================================================================================================================================================== I've got nothing... Oh, Ash vs Evil Dead is gonna be the Amazing!! Wish I had the 'Stars' channel... I guess I'll have to make some friends soon... Lex

My life as a newly Single MoFo...

Archer. Archer. Archer. Archer. COME BACK HOCKEY SEASON, COME BACK!!! :( Archer. BW3. Archer. Archer. Chipotle. Archer. GTA. Archer. Archer. Lex

Dear Lex,

I am forever indebted to you for providing spontaneity and honesty to my blog.
Your presence was the real driving force behind it.
Don't know what I would have done without you.
                A constant in my sometimes chaotic mess.

  Thank you for being you.

forever & always,
A.

Justice for All

It's great to know that I live in a country where if a creepy old man is following me at night and I confront him and he shoots me dead that I'll be found guilty because of my grades in school, my shirt, and my Tweets!

Lex

Fast and Furious and Stupid

"Fast and Furious 6" Plot Synopsis: As soon as you pay for your ticket a trap door opens and you drop into a pit of acid. Your body will be dissolved over a period of weeks along with the rest of the would-be patrons of Fast 6. This is the first step in the U.S government's "Idiot Elimination and Extermination" project. Project name pending. Lex

well

i always seem to be the most inspired at night.
however, going online is really the last thing on my mind.
i think that's why i suck at this whole blogging thing.

i guess to get the ball rollin' i should write what i know.

i know that there is dried baby puke on my sweater and it seeped through to my shoulder.
i know that my stomach hates me since i stuffed it with junk food (and some meat) for the holidays.
i know that my smoothie is sweating. (that, too, is condensation)
i know that E just went down for a nap and i'm about to cuddle the shit out of him.

<3